Why Your Beliefs are Holding You Back and How to Change That
“If it’s important enough, I’ll make the time. If not, I’ll make an excuse.” - Marie Forleo
I first learned of Marie Forleo while listening to a podcast where she covered the core concepts of her book Everything is Figureoutable. I instantly gravitated to the concept she was preaching and bought the e-book version of that same day, only to have it sit idle for longer than I’d like to admit. As I cleared through my reading queue, I suddenly found myself on a plane ride home with no active reading material and scrolling through my Kindle to see what I could pull up as some filler reading. I remembered the podcast where she spoke of her mom who just always seemed to find a way to make things happen, whether it was retiling her bathroom or fixing her favorite FM radio. I dusted off the digital cobwebs and jumped in. I didn’t anticipate being so instantaneously drawn into her content as much as I was - she was dropping great knowledge bombs and insights in between the raw Jersey language and tone (represent!).
The key message throughout is how action, an open mindset, and ownership of your choices and decisions can lead to growth and endless possibilities. Let’s dig into how.
Get Out of Your Head!
Our inner voice does a lot to support us and keep us safe - it’s our ancient brain’s way of keeping us alert and protected from dangers, both known and unknown. That inner voice helps guide us to avoid taking on dangers that are too great, like limiting the horrible bodily harm that could have come from that weird parkour phase the world went through. Or it helps prevent us from eating that extra cookie (more accurately stated, “many extra cookies”) that we really didn’t need to eat before dinner (just me?). On those occasions, our inner voice helps to protect us from a series of broken bones or from a very upset stomach.
Where it doesn’t serve us well is where it creates self-imposed limitations or an endless supply of excuses on why you can’t do something. This is not about trying to fill yourself with an endless supply of motivational content. This is about not allowing yourself to self-prophesize why you can’t do something and make that the reality. Marie states, “the most powerful words in the universe are the words you say to yourself.” Or if you're a Henry Ford fan, “Whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.”
Marie points out that “beliefs are the hidden scripts that run our lives." Our inner voice is constantly chattering in the background and if you allow it, controls our day-to-day life and long-term planning as well. When we focus too much on what we can’t do or what obstacles are in our way, we unnecessarily tie one arm behind our back in the wrestling match of life. Growing up, I hated math (and still do). I struggled to grasp the advanced topics and I told myself, with no merit, that I just wasn’t good at math. That was the moment I created the belief, I had my excuse moving forward. Why should I bother putting in the extra effort? I’m not good at math anyway so it’s not worth the time.
Marie follows up with the simple yet effective statement, “When you change a belief, you change everything.” When I established the belief that I wasn’t good at math, I set myself down a long path of self-imposed barriers, causing me to drastically alter my future plans all the way down to the college I had to choose because of the classes I didn’t take in high school (because why bother taking advanced classes when I wasn’t good at math?). Now as one does, I made the best of those choices, and ultimately met my wife as a result of them, so I’m okay with the outcome and ultimately wasn’t interested in pursuing a career in math anyway. This goes to say that we don’t need to pursue everything we are not good at with an endless grit, though I can appreciate the inner fire. What it is meant to convey is that if you have something you truly want yet have a belief that you can’t achieve it for some self-imposed reason, then you are flaking out and making excuses rather than finding a work around.
As Marie calls out “there’s a difference between owning your choices and blaming yourself.” It was very easy to blame myself, saying that I’m not good at math and that I have to just accept my fate. The brutal truth is that I established that belief and made those choices because it was the easier route to take. I have to own those choices because I set my own self-imposed limitations. I can sit here and blame the schools I attended or an inherent lack of ability. Or I can accept the fact that I made the decision to label that belief and made the choice to not take the extra steps I needed to to correct that situation. I’ll finish here with another quote from Marie, “There are two kinds of people in the world: those with reasons and those with results.” I’ll let you figure out which person I was in that example, then look at yourself for areas where you feel you are falling flat.
Clarity comes from Engagement, not Thought
How often do you sit there plotting out the “perfect” strategy or approach, thinking through all of the different angles and situations that could come up and how you would approach tackling them? How often do you sit there researching 427 different ways to tackle the problem you are facing? Now, how often do you just jump in and try and figure things out? I fall victim to over analyzing and plotting out the different approaches instead of just taking the shot. Because I know you are wondering, I still have the same golf shoes from five years ago even though the treads are completely worn out (and I have fallen multiple times on slippery grass as a result). The reason? I just couldn’t figure out what the best pair of golf shoes would be for me...yes, seriously. Hell, even this blog post sat for several weeks as I tried to think of all of the intricate little things I wanted to get across. Well, these words aren’t being written in my mind now, this is me sitting at my keyboard trying different combinations of words and sentences to try and articulate some core lessons that are coming together paragraph by paragraph much better than they would in my mind. As Marie calls out, “Insight without action is worthless.”
All of this is not to say that you should just step up to the plate and take a swing at every ball that comes in. That will ultimately lead to striking out. You absolutely want to think things through to try and find the best solution, but don’t let it paralyze you. If you’ve spent weeks thinking through something without actually putting anything on paper or taking even a tiny step, chances are you are over analyzing it. Think through an idea, but put it into motion. Put the words on paper, make a first draft of the presentation, start that business. Yes, it may be atrocious at first and you may hit more bumps than you want, but it is the iterative process that brings you clarity.
I find that it helps to spend a few cycles thinking through exactly what it is that is holding me back. In many cases, it ends up being fear disguised in a number of different ways. Fear of failure. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of the unknown. Whelp, as Marie so eloquently points out, “Action is the antidote of fear.” Like carbon monoxide, fear has its greatest impact on you when you sit idle. When you take a few steps, you can get closer to fresh air and move beyond the fear. Like riding a bicycle, a little momentum keeps you upright and moving forward.
Forget about Other People’s Opinions
As if we didn’t have enough to worry about with our own mind telling us how terrible we are in life, then we have the pleasure of dealing with everyone else’s opinions on every detail of our lives and every decision we make. This is not to say we should shut everyone out and only do what we think is right. Other people’s perspective on challenges can help us remove any blinders we may have and can help us course correct when we need it most. However, when we are facing an onslaught of criticism and negative thoughts, there are two key messages to keep in mind.
First, Marie highlights the following: “A person’s opinion is not the truth. It’s their truth.” If that person is many times more qualified than you in the particular area you are looking for guidance in, then you should probably listen. However if it is someone that has zero experience in what you are doing but is being overly critical of you, then work to understand where they are coming from but don’t take their words as the ultimate truth. At the end of the day, everyone is going to have an opinion but it doesn’t mean their opinion is the right thing for you. As you endeavour on your task, take the input but filter the negative criticism that has no merit and is baseless. Because, as Marie states, “Everything you love is despised by someone else.” And maybe, just maybe, what you are working on is going to have a positive impact on someone in the world. If it doesn’t jive with one person in particular, that’s okay - it just wasn’t for them. Say that again, it just wasn’t for them. Keep moving forward, because there are others who will benefit from what you are working on.
Make it Happen
The common theme here is forward movement. It makes sense given Marie was a dancer. If you just get yourself in the ring and make something happen, anything, you never know where it may take you. It may feel like small steps, but if you continue to learn and continue to get better every single day, you can accomplish almost anything you put your mind to. Just think about the Elon Musk story I mentioned in the Success Mindset blog. As Marie ended her thoughts, I’ll take a page from her book and end mine in a similar fashion.
“Trust that feeling. It’s your life force. Your genius. Your destiny screaming to be realized.” -Marie Forleo
-Jason Rebholz