You Become Who you See in the Mirror
Who are you? What are you? What do you do? How do your friends describe you? How do your co-workers describe you? No, these questions aren’t meant to be a riddle or a test to see if you have a rare case of amnesia. These questions are meant to extract snippets of who you see yourself as, your self ascribed identities (yes, plural). The answer can take the shape of many forms. I am Jason, I am a husband, I am a rock climber, I am a CISO, I am the person who will work until it’s done, I’m a tech geek, etc. Chances are that you will find that these questions bring many insights into who you see yourself as and shape what is one of many identities you assume.
Now ask yourself: what happens when a situation or a belief goes against one of your perceived identities? What happens when your environment changes and you do not, which so often happens in the world? As Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, once said, “change is the only constant in life.” For many, this is where their growth stops. They become so entrenched to the identity they are living at that moment in their life that they refuse to adapt and grow. Their perception of who they are permeates every decision they make. It filters everything they see. And that can be a problem.
Your Identity is You, But It is Not Static
If your identity stays static, you will never grow. You will stay a toddler wanting to play with dinosaurs in a sandbox. You will stay stuck in your old ways. And while that can seem comfortable in the moment, the downsides quickly outweigh the upsides. I think back to when I left the incident response and digital forensics world the first time. For nearly a decade, I spent countless hours flying thousands of miles to assist companies that had been hacked - their data stolen, their systems down. If I was there, it wasn’t for a friendly gathering - it was because something had gone horribly wrong. That brought many sleepless nights and stress induced situations, all of which I thrived on. I was a consultant. I was a hard worker. I was the person who could help guide a company through the chaos and deliver a sense of normalcy. And for those environments and situations, it worked very well.
When I decided to leave that world, I went through what I refer to as the “post IR dark period." What a painful adjustment it was. I went from the pace of an F1 Indy car to a calm joy ride along a coastal highway - it was not an easy adjustment for me. I felt guilty for not responding to every email within fifteen minutes (yes, that was a thing) or not working 80+ hours a week. If I wasn’t doing what I did before, then who was I? Was I any good at my new job? Was I even capable of doing it? I considered myself a fraud if I wasn’t dropping everything to jump on every phone call, email, or text message at any hour of the day or night. To me, if I wasn’t constantly fighting a fire for someone then I wasn’t providing any value.
After several months of this dark period, I started to pull myself to the light. I began to see the unnecessary amount of issues I was causing not only for myself but for members of my team as I clung to my past identity as an incident responder. I knew for me to grow that I had to let go of who I was. I had to evolve. I had to grow beyond my former identity of a consultant. I had to grow so I could more effectively tackle my next series of challenges. I had to adapt and shed my former identity to create a new one that was better suited for my new situation. It was only then that I was able to shed that blanket of guilt and self-despair and effectively tackle my new role. It was only then that I realized that who I was had been holding me back from becoming who I needed to be.
Progress Requires Unlearning
I was able to make greater strides in growth when I came to terms with the fact that to progress further I had to unlearn what I knew before. I had created a set of principles to thrive in a consulting environment, and they served me well. I excelled because of the systems I created to build consistency with my identity as the go-to consultant. I was the person who would be the first to raise their hand to assist. I was the person to buy a one way plane ticket to ensure that the job was finished without the temptation of wanting to leave early. There were few details that would be missed so that the job would be done right. There were components of that identity that would translate well, but most of it had to go - it was no longer serving me.
When I left the incident response world, I clung to that identity because it was what made me successful and I thought it would continue to do so. Clinging to that past identity reduced my effectiveness in my new environment. It’s often said that the tools and techniques that got you to where you are may not be the tools that are necessary to take you where you need to go. It’s funny how words can mean so much more when you live through them. Most importantly - the tighter I clung to that past identity, the harder it became to grow beyond it. I had to edit my beliefs to grow.
Most interesting to me was that this required a series of active choices for me to make so I could move beyond the “dark period." I could continue to leverage my old habits and techniques and bring undue stress and failings into my world. Or I could create new habits and techniques and align those to a new identity to face this “new world.” The key here is acknowledging what that new identity is going to be so I can best align those habits with that new identity.
Embrace New Identities
Awesome, you finally recognize that to grow you will need to change. So...how do you do it? Well if you’re reading this, you’re likely someone who is or willing to become self-aware enough to evolve. The first step is done, so let’s map out the next steps for you to build that new identity or evolve your older one.
Step 1: Set your New Destination
As you observe your new environment and determine what is needed to be successful, determine what your identity should be to succeed. Look at others who have fought the battles you will be fighting and are closer to the goal you are looking to achieve. Make notes of the behaviors they have and study what works well and what doesn’t. Chances are, those same people are in a similar position and could be clinging to bad habits, so don’t take everything they do as “the way.” The objective here is to collect the best strategies from a wide field and build your toolkit with the best of what everyone has to offer.
You will find that some of the strategies and techniques you’ve used in the past will carry over, but there are likely at least a few that do not age well in the new environment. I challenge you to really think hard on this because what you think is effective or will be effective in your new environment may not translate very well. As you observe the field make the appropriate notes, it’s time to align the new behaviors to the identity you are looking to create. The objective here is not to become your habits, it is to become your new identity.
Step 2: Create the New Behaviors
As James Clear says in Atomic Habits, your behaviors must align to your identity to be successful. To create those new behaviors, you must start with an active decision on what you want them to be. The narrative in your head can go “to be successful in my new environment, I need to be this. I can see myself as the kind of person who does this to be successful.” Or “this behavior does not have a place for who I want to be.” If you want to get healthier, instead of saying you want to run a mile a day, say that you want to become a runner. As you formulate your identity as a runner, it becomes more natural that a runner runs a mile a day.
Using the list you created from your observations, align your new behaviors to your updated identity. When this happens (new situation), I will do this (new technique) because I saw this work well with my peers. When that happens (old situation), I will do this (old technique) because I have seen it work well in the past and it applies in my new situation. I do all of these things because I am a [new identity].
Step 3: Build Consistency
Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” To pull in Atomic Habits again, you must recognize that every action you take is a vote for the person you wish to become. This is not about achieving a perfect score, it’s about a tug of war of choices in which the strongest side wins. On one side of the rope, it’s your identity you are growing towards. On the other side of the rope, it's your old identity you are looking to evolve from. Every decision you make inches the rope closer to one side or the other. The more choices you make for the new identity drives you closer to your goal. While you may have some old behaviors creep up from time to time, it does not destroy all of your progress though it does set you back. Simply strive to align as many decisions you can to who you wish to become and you will naturally gravitate towards that.
As you build the new behaviors that you see work well (and receive positive feedback on) you can build them into your new identity. You will quickly find that these new behaviors will become second nature and you are back into the flow of things without having to think. Back on the same trajectory of success.
Your Identity is Your North Star of Who You Want to Become
As you can tell, who or what you see your identity as plays a powerful part in everything you do. Your identity is the foundation of the system you build for yourself that delivers consistency. That system then leads to your results, whether good or bad. For those that cling too closely to an identity, you risk so much - even if it’s just missing out on a new opportunity. The opportunity for a new experience, the opportunity for growth, or the opportunity for happiness. You are not what anyone, including yourself, labels you as. You do not have to be stuck in your current situation - you always have a choice - that choice just may push you outside of your comfort zone.
When you take control of defining your and align your objectives and behaviors with it, then you will see your possibilities expand indefinitely.
-Jason Rebholz
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